Flightless Nerd
by partypants08
Summary: Edward Cullen is in trouble, and there's only one doctor who can save him: House! A spoof/crossover of the beloved Twilight series and the best show ever.It's a spoof of epic proportions! NOW COMPLETE. Read & Review...please? :
1. Chapter 1

Spoof

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, which sucks. I think it could have been a lucrative job to own either "House" or the Twilight series._

Scene 1: Edward's special Forest

_Edward & Bella are walking through their special forest. Bella reaches for Edward's hand when she notices his normally cold hands are feeling a little clammy_

**Bella:** Wow, Edward. Your hand actually feels really clammy

**Edward:** Oh Bella, you and your drugs. I'm a VAMPIRE, remember? My hands can only be ice cold for some weird reason only known by my loyal fangirls.

**Fangirls:** AHH!!! OH MY GOD!! EDWARD!! YOU'RE SOOOOOOOOOO HOTTTTTT!! CAN WE KILL OFF THAT NASTY SKANK NOW?!?!?!

**Edward:** huh?

_*Bella hisses at the girls and splashes holy water at them, causing the fan girls to dissolve into thin air*_

**Fangirls:** NOOOOOO!!!

**Bella:** Well, that takes care of that. Anyway, your hands are supposed to be cold, but seriously, your hands are beginning to feel all slimy and gross *wipes her hands on her jeans while Edward looks at her in disgust*

**Edward:** Whatevs, Bel. I think you're just……*sways*

**Bella:** Edward?! Are you okay?

**Edward:** *mumbles incoherently & then passes out*

**Bella:** EDWARD?!?!?! Oh my God, I need to call someone.

**Random people:** Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!!

**Bella:** *giggles, then looks solemn* Oh, right, uh noo…I'm calling Dr. House cuz, y'know, I have a fictional character's number programmed into my cell phone and everything.

**Random people:** Awhhh

_End Scene, cue "House" theme song_

Scene 2: Hospital

_Cuddy sees House entering the hospital and has a patient file in her hand. She runs to try to catch up to House_

**Cuddy:** House!! House, wait up

**House:** What is it now, mistress?

**Cuddy:** I have a new case for you. He's an 18-year-old male named Edward who passed out in some random forest in Washington state.

**House:** *sarcastically* Wow, that is so compelling.

**Cuddy:** You're not even curious as to why they'd come from Washington to Princeton?

**House:** Don't really care. Now if you excuse me, my soap comes on in 10 minutes *begins to walk away when Cuddy grabs his arm and hands him the file again*

**Cuddy**: Ah ah ah! Not so fast. You haven't heard the best part yet

**House**: What? Oh pleaassee tell me he's really a woman! *crosses fingers*

**Cuddy:** Uh, no. He thinks he's a vampire and that he is really 90 years old.

**House:** Well, that is interesting. What's even more interesting is why YOU'RE giving me the case

**Cuddy:** Don't you know? The writers are trying to showcase our sexual tension on the show. It's been 5 seasons now…..and nothing. Not even a standing ovation *looks down at House's pants*

**House**: Hm, I guess you've got a point.

**Cuddy:** Hm, I guess you don't! What's even more interesting than that is the fact that you're not even curious as to why they would come so far just to see you. They could have gone to Seattle Grace, but they came here instead. In fact, this guy's girlfriend, Bella, was the one who tried to get in touch with you personally. Of course, since you never answer your office phone, I was the one called instead.

**House**: Well, I can understand why they wouldn't want to go to Seattle Grace. They're doing that story arc where that Izzie chick has cancer that's spread to her brain & McDreamy proposing to Meredith in an elevator. I mean, that's way too much drama. It's not like we do any of that stuff here. We haven't even slept together yet. Not to mention that I'm just totally awesome, and have fan girls of my own.

**Fangirls:** OH MY GOD!!! HOUSEEEE! I LOVE YOUU!! YOU'RE SO---AHH, NO CUDDY, DON'T DO THAT!!

_*Cuddy pours holy water on the fangirls and they disappear into thin air*_

**Cuddy:** Okay, okay. So will you take the case or not?

**House:** Ugh, fine. But this should be the catalyst that makes us finally have sex, which later leads us to confess our deep feelings of undying love and adoration for one another.

Juno pops out of nowhere

**Juno:** Whoaaaaa, dream big!

**House:** *looks at Juno and her huge pregnant belly* thanks for that insight Juno. Looks like you're still doodling, homeskillet. Well, right, I'm off to see the ducklings. Peace out, homes.

**Juno:** Yeah, whatever.

Scene 3: Differential Diagnosis Room

_House walks into the room, where Foreman, Cameron, Chase, Thirteen & Taub sit, playing Duck, Duck Goose_

**House:** All right everyone listen up. Cuddy gave us a new case

**Thirteen:** Wait! I have to pick the next goose!

**House:** That'll have to wait, Huntington's. I've got more important things to do right now.

**Thirteen:** No fair! I might not live to pick the next goose!

**House:** Too bad. Anyway, differentials for an 18-year-old male who fainted in the middle of some random forest in Washington state. Oh, right, he also thinks he's a 90-year-old vampire.

**Foreman:** Maybe it's lupus!

**House:** Oh my God, Foreman. How many seasons have you been here? It's NEVER LUPUS!! Idiot.

**Foreman:** It was lupus, that one time….remember?

_*Foreman stares off into space as he begins his own montage of that one lupus case from Season 4, but then comes back to Earth*_

**Foreman:** Oh crap. We lost that clip. This is conspiracy with the writers!! IT WAS LUPUS!! I KNOW IT!!

**House:** The writers aren't going to do THAT again. Think of something else, dimwit.

**Cameron:** How about pregnancy? Aww, could you just imagine a wittle bitty baby causing all this trouble?

**House:** Um, are you even a real doctor? He's a DUDE. NOT PREGNANT. Not to mention that the baby wouldn't even be cute because it'd have some crappy name like Renesmee. How lame is THAT?!

**Taub:** OKAY! I have an idea on what we should do.

**Chase:** Oh really, mate?

**Taub:** Yeah. Why don't we check his blood for drugs and such and do some other doctorly things until the next scene?

**Chase:** Crikey! This guy is a nutjob. Why are we even taking this case?

**House:** Chase, I have to take this case so Cuddy & I can finally be pushed into having sex because the only way we'll advance our frenemy relationship is by being pushed together by complicated circumstances! Jeez! Now,we'll do that doctorly thing our viewers only get to see a few times an episode. Taub, 13, Foreman, you go run the tests. Chase & Cameron, go find a broom closet and have inappropriate work sex.

_*Taub, 13 & Foreman leave to run the tests while Cameron & Chase look shocked*_

**Cameron & Chase: **Why? We already did that a couple of seasons ago

**House: **Yeah, but our viewers are complaining about the lack of you two on camera. This way, Chase, you can get Cameron knocked up and you two have more on-screen time.

**Chase: **Hm, okay!

_*Chase and Cameron march happily to the broom closet, excited for some more on-screen time*_

**House:** As for me, I need to have my required "bro-time" with Wilson. Can't let down the Wilson/House shippers!

_*House puts his iPod in his pocket, his ear bud headphones in his ears, and trots out of the office*_


	2. Chapter 2

_So, I really enjoyed writing the first 3 scenes of the epic spoof, and I'm happy that I've already had a positive review! Yay me!! I am planning on continuing, but I am a college student & I have a horrible few weeks ahead of me with end-of-the-semester papers & final exams coming up. Keep checking for updates & keep leaving positive reviews….cuz they make me happy :)_

_**Disclaimer: House & "Twilight" aren't mine. Too bad. But if I did own it, House & Cuddy would have had sex a long time ago. Just sayin'.**_

_**Other disclaimer: I've only read the first 2 books of the "Twilight" series. It's in my bucket list for the summer!**_

_**3**__**rd**__**: I'm not a science major or anything, so I have no medical knowledge beyond what I've seen on TV. In fact, my major is history. So there you go.**_

Scene 4: Edward's Hospital Room

_Edward is in the hospital bed while Taub, 13, and Foreman are giving him tests_

**Taub:** Dude, Foreman, what's the deal with today?

**Foreman: **What do you mean?

**Taub:** First, House gives us a patient who thinks he's a vampire. A VAMPIRE, MAN!

**Edward:** BITCH, I AM A VAMPIRE!!

**13: **House already explained that he has to take the case in order for him and Cuddy to have Huddy sex and finally resolve the sexual tension between them.

**Taub:** But why did they show us doing doctorly things to Edward before showing the bromance between House & Wilson? And why didn't the writers show Edward going through some medical crisis before the end of last chapter?

**Foreman:** Because, we need to acknowledge the fact that Edward is still here. But no need to worry everyone, because the House/Wilson scene is coming up next!

**Bella:** Ahem

**Foreman:** Oh, right, we also have to acknowledge Bella's presence.

**Bella:** What are you guys testing Edward for?

**Taub:** We're just trying to get some blood work and run some basic tests.

**Bella:** I don't even know if vampires HAVE blood. I know Edward drinks blood, but does he have blood of his own?

**Edward:** Hello! I'm awake! Look, I drink blood, but since the writer of this story is too lazy to research the history of vampires, we'll just say that I have blood.

**13:** You really think you're a 90-year-old vampire?

**Edward:** I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH!

_*13 pulls out a garlic necklace and a crucifix out of thin air*_

**Foreman:** 13, put that stuff down. There are no such things as vampires!

**13:** Uh-huh!

**Foreman:** Nuh-uh!

**13:** Uh-huh!

**Foreman:** Nuh-uh!

**Taub:** STOP IT, FORETEEN!! Look, you both just need to leave. Or break up. Whatever. I'm just going to run the tests.

**Foreteen:** Fine! *both storm off in a huff while Edward falls asleep*

**Bella:** Something's wrong!! He's not supposed to fall asleep!!

**Taub**: If he were a vampire, yeah. But this is the part of the plot in which the patient is somehow unconscious and you give me your life's story even though I don't care. At all. So yeah, it's cool if he sleeps or whatever.

**Bella:** Um, okay. Well, Edward & I were high school sweethearts. He wooed me, broke up with me, then I fell for Jacob, then he almost killed himself in Italy, so I had to get back with him and such. Not much to talk about there, except that we're both fictional characters in a series of books that teenage girls are obsessed with. You should read our series sometime.

**Taub:** Yep, I still don't care. Look, I'm going to send his blood work to the lab, and then you'll see me again when I do some CT scans and stuff.

**Bella: **Um, okay.

_*more fangirls pop out of thin air*_

**Fangirls:** OH MY GOD!!! IS EDWARD OKAY?!?!?!?!

*_Taub, out of jealousy that he has no fangirls of his own, gets out a gun and shoots them all*_

**Taub** *stepping over bodies*: Well, that does it. I'll be back when he has some kind of crisis.

Scene 5: Hospital Cafeteria

_Wilson is sitting in the cafeteria eating a sandwich when House walks into the cafeteria_

**House:** What's up, Will-dog?

**Wilson**_:_ Will-dog? What the hell?

**House:** Nah, I'm just messing around with you. The writer of this fanfic has a really warped since of humor. Anyway, Cuddy handed me a case today: a guy who fainted in some random forest in Washington who thinks he's a 90-year-old vampire. Pretty cool, huh?

**Wilson:** *totally disregarding the mention of the patient* You took a case that Cuddy handed you? YOU LOVE HER! OMGOSH!!! YOU GUYS CAN FINALLY GET TOGETHER & GET MARRIED & HAVE MINI-HUDDIES!!!!!

_*House slaps Wilson silly, then steals one of his French fries*_

**House:** Uh, hello? Guy who thinks he's a 90-year-old Vampire?

**Wilson:** Oh, right, ahem, sorry. Uhh ("think, Wilson, think of something cool to say!") what did you tell Cuddy? That this guy is the new Girl Interrupted, and needs a first-class ticket to the psych ward? ("fail, Wilson!")

**House:** I thought the case was intriguing. What could cause fainting and belief that you're a 90-year-old vampire?

**Wilson:** It's cancer.

**House:** No, Wilson, it's not cancer. You always say it's cancer probably once every three episodes, and it's never cancer. Sorry, you lose!

**Wilson:** Aww. Well, I'm still curious as to why you took this case just because this guy thinks he's a vampire. It doesn't sound that interesting at all.

**House:** *sighs* I already went through this with my team: I had to take the case because this will be the case that ultimately leads to me & Cuddy having hot Huddy sex after five years of unresolved tension.

**Wilson:** God, it's about time DAVID SHORE!

**House:** I know, right?

**Wilson:** I think this is the longest on-screen scene we've had in a long time. What do we do after I try unsuccessfully to get you and Cuddy together, and then try to say something insightful afterwards?

**House:** I dunno. You wanna go seek Amy? I can't seem to find her anywhere…

**Wilson:** Um, you can do that yourself can't you? I have to leave early today…I, um, have a date tonight

**House:** With who? Do I know her?

**Wilson:** Nooo

_*Juno pops out of nowhere, again*_

**Juno:** What's crack-a-lackin' Wilson? We still on for tonight?

**House:** OH. MY. GOD. You doodled the homeskillet?

**Wilson:** The homeski..? No!! I just met her today. Normally I do oncologist stuff, but for some reason not related to cancer, she was my patient. I have sex with my patients. It's all good.

House: Right. Well, I'm going to walk around the hospital grounds and look awesome with my new flame cane! Rock on, Juno

**Juno:** Yeah, whatevs. Hey, have you seen my hamburger?

_*House leaves, with Juno's hamburger in hand*_

Scene 6: CT Scan Room

_Edward is getting a CT scan while "Foreteen" are monitoring him_

**13:** Wow, what are we doing in here? I thought Taub was supposed to do the CT Scan.

**Foreman:** Yeah, but you know how Taub is…he kind of just floats around the hospital and no one knows what he's really doing on this show.

**13:** Gotcha.

**Foreman:** *looking at the scans* I don't see anything abnormal. How can this be?! I'm a neurologist, dang it. If I'm in this scene, it means we're thinking neurological, and something neurological should be going on…..because I'm a neurologist!! IT'S NOT FAAAIIRRR

_*Foreman leaves the room, crying like a little girl*_

**13:** Hm. *speaking into the intercom* Okay, Edward, you can come out now.

_*silence*_

**13:** Edward?!

_13 goes to the machine and sees that Edward has simply vanished, only leaving a copy of "Twilight" on the bed_

**13:** Hmm *picks up the book and begins reading*

Scene 7: Differential Room, again

_House walks in the Differential Room to find Foreman, Cameron, Chase & Taub playing musical chairs_

**House:** Ooh, "Highway to Hell." Good song choice. So did we finally realize that the patient is a nutjob yet?

**Taub:** Not exactly.

**House:** What do you MEAN, not exactly? He thinks he's a 90-year-old vampire for crying out loud.

**Taub:** I ran the tests, and everything was fine except for his white blood cell count. It was 5 million.

**Foreman:** 5 MILLION? Is that even possible? How is he not dead by now?

**House:** Of course not. Something's wrong with him, dimwit.

**Chase:** He's not dead, mate, so we gotta cure him somehow.

**Taub:** Right. Well, it looks like it could be some kind of cancer.

**Cameron:** So does this mean he isn't pregnant?

_House slaps the crap out of Cameron_

**House:** Where exactly did you go to medical school? University of Idiots? Of course he's not pregnant.

_Cameron runs out of the room, sobbing, while Chase runs after her_

**House:** Okay, so we've got a guy who thinks he's a vampire who has a white cell count of 5 million.

**Foreman:** The CT scan was clear. Damnit.

**House:** Wait……you were in the CT Scan room and you found nothing wrong?! What's happening in this world?

_13 runs into the room, crying_

**13:** You haven't heard the worst part. Vampire Boy just vanished from the CT Scan room…and he left me a copy of "Twilight"…and then I read the whole series!!

**Foreman:** Oh my god, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?!

**13:** It's just so popular that I thought that…that…*hiccups* I DIDN'T THINK IT'D BE SO ADDICTING! NOW I'M IN LOVE WITH EDWARD AND BELLA!

**House:** Foreman, take her to TFA

**Foreman, 13, Taub:** What's TFA?

**House:** Twilight Fangirls Anonymous. Remember 13: the first step is admitting you have a problem *takes 5 Vicodin*

_13 and Foreman leave the room_

**House:** Taub, cancer fits best. Go get Wilson. I think our Vampire Boy has cancer.

**Taub:** What kind are you thinking? Breast cancer? Can I finally do some plastic surgery on the show? YAY!!!!

**House:** I don't know yet. Wilson is the cancer dude; he'll know what to do.

_End Scene_

_Sorry if this chapter isn't the greatest. My roomie & I have been so busy with school & work that I've been doing this a little on the side, and without my evil twin. I have much bigger plans to come for this spoof, though. It's exciting, I promise. _

_Also, thanks to those who reviewed. You guys rock! I am obviously continuing the story, so keep a look out for updates. If you could,tell me which celebrities/pop culture icons you'd like to see make a cameo in this story, I'll try to incorporate that in future chapters. So spread the word…positive reviews makes me a happy partypants :)_


	3. Chapter 3

_Me gustan los reviews!!_

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own anything.**

Scene 7: Clinic

_House has been made to do clinic, because Cuddy is making him take 13's shifts while she's in rehab. He is in the lobby, calling out patients' names_

**House:** Is there a Jay James in here?  
_Britney Spears stands up, holding baby Jayden by his feet, upside down_

**Britney:** Hi, y'all! Jayden is right here.

**House:** It's Britney, bitch!

_*Britney throws Jayden to the side and her background dancers suddenly appear. She begins singing "Gimme More"*_

**Britney:** *singing* Gimme gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more…

**House:** OH MY GOD! BRITNEY, PLEASE STOP ALREADY! YOU'RE NOT SIXTEEN ANYMORE!

_*Britney stops dancing and heads towards House holding Jayden upside down*_

**Britney:** House, I have a big problem

**House:** Besides the fact that you can't dance?

**Britney:** No, something's wrong with Jayden. The only words he's said so far are "Popo Zao"…and he's not all that smart, y'all.

**House:** Okay, Brit, I get that you're going through a tough time…but seriously, K-Fed is his father.

**Britney:** So? K-Fed is smart…he taught me about….Cheetos. And he seeks Amy!

**House:** Damnit, I still can't find her!

**Britney:** Well, it's not actually a person—oh, well, never mind.

**House:** Alright, alright. Look, just give the kid some time to say new words; babies say basic words at different times. You should also stop being an idiot and hold your baby right!

_*House corrects Jayden in Britney's arms*_

**Britney:** Thank you so much!! Bye, y'all

_*Britney leaves, along with her background dancers, to the tune of "Oops I Did it Again"*_

**House** *to himself*: I'm starting to feel bad for K-Fed.

Scene 8: Edward's Room

_Taub and Wilson are talking to Edward and Bella about his condition_

**Wilson:** Bella, Edward, I'm not exactly sure how to break this to you….

**Taub:**….but you have cancer, Edward

**Wilson:** HEY! I'm supposed to be the one to say he has cancer because I'M THE CANCER DUDE. God, Taub, you're such an idiot.

**Taub:** Whatever.

**Bella:** What kind of cancer? How bad is it?

_*Bella begins to sob, while Fangirls begin to flock towards Edward*  
_**Fangirls:** OH MY GOD! EDWARD HAS CANCER?!?! HE'S GOING TO DIE?!?! WAAHHHHHHH!

**Taub:** Hm, I thought I shot them..

**Edward:** Oh, no, they always come back. Anyway, Bella, honey, it's okay.

**Bella:** No it's not! *splashes her tears on fangirls, who burn away*

**Wilson:** Well, we're not sure what kind of cancer it is.

**Edward:** Wait—so how can you even be sure that I have cancer?

**Taub:** The symptoms fit….visions of grandeur, fainting spells, disappearing out of nowhere, annoying fangirls…

**Wilson:** Uh, Taub, I have fangirls of my own, and I don't have cancer.

_*Wilson points to a group of fangirls out on the cancer wing, wearing "I Love CancerDude" shirts*_

**Taub:** Fine, that symptom doesn't fit. Look, I'm thinking Edward has skin cancer. Even though I'm the doctor who doesn't care about the patients' lives, I remember Bella saying that they went to Italy awhile back

**Bella:** Yeah, in Book 2…that was ages ago!

**Wilson:** If that's true, skin cancer can take awhile to manifest itself into something serious. We need to examine…Edward, how long have you had that mole on the side of your eye?

**Edward:** I don't know. I don't look in mirrors because I just KNOW I'm sexy.

_*Bella nods in agreement*_

**Wilson:** We need to get a biopsy on that, as well as run a contrast MRI and test your blood again. If the cancer is spread, we need to start you on chemo & radiation right away.

**Edward:** Fine. Let's roll, homeboys!

_Wilson and Taub take Edward to get his scans while Bella tries to shoo away more Edward fangirls and even a few of Wilson's fanigirls_

Scene 9: Rehab

_Foreman is visiting 13 in the rehab center for her Twilight addiction_

**Foreman:** How's it been going in here?

**13:** One day at a time, Eric. I've finally accepted that I have a Twilight addiction, but I can't be on Edward's case for….obvious reasons *twiddles her thumbs*

_All of a sudden, a commotion erupts. Amy Winehouse is being dragged into the rehab wing_

**Amy:** THEY TRY TO MAKE ME GO TO REHAB, AND I SAY "NO, NO, NO!!"

_Amy Winehouse is put into her room in rehab, away from all of the other patients._

**Foreman:** Well, I brought you something. It's not much, but I was in the cafeteria this morning and I thought of you

_*Foreman hands 13 an apple*_

**13:** NOOOO!

_*fellow rehabbers flock towards 13 & the apple, while Foreman is attacked by the security guards*_

**Foreman:** what the hell?  
**13:** Um, well, there's a picture of an apple on the cover of "Twilight", so we can't eat apples. Ever. In fact, just LOOKING at an apple throws us back a couple of steps.

**Foreman:** Oh.

**13:** Yeah. We also can't wear those awesome Team Edward shirts and we're required to go out into the sun at least an hour a day.

**Foreman:** What a bummer.

**13:** Hopefully I'll be out soon. My therapist says I'm making good progress, but I guess it's because I'm one of the older ones here. Most of the girls here are teenagers, but at least there's a 40-year-old guy in here so it's not so bad.

**Foreman:** Well, we miss you. Taub isn't much fun to be with, and when I tried to make out with him he got really upset..

**13:** You tried to make out with Taub?  
**Foreman:** Well, you see, my new year's resolution this year is to make out with one team member a week. But since you're in rehab and Kumar—I mean, Kutner—is gone, only Taub is left.

**13:** I understand. When I get out of rehab, I'll make out with you again. I promise.

**Foreman:** Got it. I've gotta run. I have some things to do that will make me look like a total jerk wad because no one likes me. Bye, honey!

**13:** Bye…honey? You've never called me that before but sure, okay, I'll take it. Bye!

End Scene

_A/N: I've taken your suggestions into consideration, and I'll work with them as best as I can. I have never watched "Bones", even though I've heard that's a good show to get hooked on. I think that'll also be on my summer bucket list: to get addicted to "Bones" like I did "House" last summer. I also have to mention the PROMO for next week's episode...I'm freaking out! If you haven't seen it yet, scroll down...._

_This isn't all of the promo, but this is the best part!!_

_Cuddy & House by what looks like his door:_

_Cuddy: "You want to kiss me right now, don't you?"  
House: "I always want to kiss you."  
*House then leans into Cuddy, and it looks like they're going to kiss*_

_I've watched this promo about 20 times....AHHHHHH! FINALLYFINALLYFINALLYFINALLYFINALLY!!!_

_I do have to say, I'm worried about House & his Amber hallucinations. As much as I love Amber, she shouldn't come back unless it's a dream for Wilson...not as a hallucination leading to bigger problems with House._


	4. Chapter 4

_I love reviews. I also love "The Office":)_

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own anything.**

Scene 10

_Poor House is STILL in the clinic_

**House:** Okay, is there a Dwight K. Schrute here?

**Dwight:** Present!

**Jim:** Yeah, I'm here too.

_*Dwight and Jim are holding each end of an office telephone—it looks like they are holding hands if one isn't looking closely*_

**House:** So, I guess it's pretty obvious why you two are here today.

**Jim:** I'd rather not go into the story.

**Dwight:** I will! This…IMBICILE decided to put invisible glue on my phone. It rang, and thinking it was a sales call, I answered the phone. I got 60 boxes ordered for , and then tried to hang up the phone. I couldn't get my hand off. Jim laughed because he's a peabrain, and I tried to use my Jedi powers to release the phone, but I couldn't. I started screaming at Jim because he always tries to mess with me. I guess I was RIGHTFULLY LOUD because Jim got irritated and tried to take the phone away. And now he's stuck, too. _*to Jim*._ Serves you right, jackass.

**Jim:** *_looks at the camera*_ No. I did not put invisible glue on your phone. I am also not a jackass. I am, however, smoking hot.

**Dwight:** Whatever Jim. I know you did it. You're always putting my stapler in Jello!

_Camera interview_

**House:** When Jim and Dwight came into the clinic, I thought to myself, "This is going to be interesting." It was just annoying. I think Jim & Dwight are secretly in love with each other. _*chuckles*_ it's not like you can bicker with someone like that for so long and not have feelings for the other person.

_Back to the present_

**House:** Okay, okay. Look, I have some solution I can get the two of you. Just apply it every hour, and you guys should be separated by the end of the day.

**Dwight:** Good. I've got a "Battlestar Galactica" convention to go to this weekend.

**Jim:** Bears. Beets. "Battlestar Galactica".

**Dwight:** Now you're just making fun of me. That's not cool, Jim!

_*Michael Scott comes through the clinic doors, carrying huge "Get Well Soon" balloons*_

**Michael:** OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS ARE IN THE HOSPITAL! _*begins to cry*_

**Jim:** Michael, it's okay.

**Michael:** NO IT'S NOT! DWIGHT'S GOING TO HAVE TO MISS HIS CONVENTION & JIM, OH MY WILL EVER HAVE SEX WITH PAM AGAIN!!!

**Dwight:** Aw, Michael. You're so sweet!

**Jim:** Really, it's okay. gave us some solution to separate us, and we're going to be fine. Dwight's even going to his "Star Trek" thingy.

**Dwight:** Damn it, Jim! It's not "Star Trek", it's "Battlestar Galactica"!

**House:** EVERYONE, SHUT UP! Okay, now that everyone has gotten everything straightened out, you guys can go. Go ahead and get separated and get the hell out of the clinic.

**Jim:** Good for me. Let's go

_*Jim pulls Dwight up by his hand & telephone, and Michael follows*_

_Camera interview again_

**House:** I'm completely convinced that everyone on "The Office" is completely bat-crazy. At least today, I didn't have to deal with kids with runny noses and old guys trying to score Viagra …..or have to deal with Cuddy.

**Cameraman:** You mentioned that people who bicker all the time ultimately have feelings for one another. If that's so, are you in love with Dr. Cuddy?

**House:** …..you think I'm in love with Cuddy? No, I'm not in love with Cuddy. Even though she has a smokin' bod and great breasts. She's also really nice when she's not being a bitch and hiding my cane or setting tripwires in my office…or telling me no when I ask to cut someone's head off. But no, I'm not in love with her.

**Cameraman:** Are you sure?

**House:** _*looks around, and then does the "Jim Shrug" to the camera*_

_Cuddy's interview_

**Cuddy:** You think I'm in love with House? No, I'm not in love with House, even though he's sexy in this rugged kind of way and can play the piano like no one's business. He's also got really pretty eyes, but I can't stand him when he tells me how large my ass has gotten and how much of a hooker I look on certain days. But GOD he's handsome. And there really has been a lot of sexual tension from the first season, but _*looks around and then whispers*_ David Shore says we have to be miserable people in order to do our jobs. _*normal voice*_ To answer your question….okay, fine, I'm in love with House. But it's not like I'm going to do anything about it now. I tried, and he grabbed my breasts instead. Nope, that ship has sailed.

**Cameraman:** Are you sure?

_*Cuddy does the "Kevin nod" to the camera*_

_Wilson's interview_

**Wilson:** Do I think House is in love with Cuddy? Oh hell yeah! So, I went out with Cuddy a couple of times in Season 3…just as friends. House found out about it and got all weird. Like, he was visiting my 3rd ex-wife and trying to dig up information on me, so he could "stop me". They've been flirting since the beginning, but they finally kissed this season. I thought, "okay, they're FINALLY going to date." Ohh no. Both of them are so emotionally screwed up that they don't date each other even though they secretly love each other. I just don't get it, because everyone can see it.. But don't worry. I have mad matchmaking skills. I mean, I HAVE been married three times. Look, the sexual tension is killing even me. I can't imagine what it's doing to our loyal viewers! I'm just saying, it's time for David Shore to finally hook those two up. _*like Lil'Jon*_ Yeah-uh!

Scene 11: Edward's Hospital Room

_Taub, Wilson, and Foreman are in Edward's hospital room with Bella, and have the results of Edward's test results_

**Taub:** Hey Edward. We think we know what's wrong with you.

**Edward:** What is it? Is it actually cancer?

**Wilson:** Well, that's for the voters to decide.

**Bella:** What do you mean?

_*Ryan Seacrest enters the room*_

**Ryan:** The results are in, America, and we had a record-setting number of votes that determines what disease Edward Cullen has!

**Bella:** huh?

**Foreman:** You see Bella, we weren't sure WHICH disease Edward has, so we decided to let America vote on their favorite disease.

**Edward:** So, what are the results? Which diseases were being voted on?

**Ryan:** It's between Lupus, Skin Cancer, and Vampirism! Who will win tonight? Your results are in, and we have the winner right here! Find out which disease Edward Cullen has…right after the break!

**Edward, Bella, Taub, Wilson, Foreman:** Awwwhhh!

**Wilson:** I hate when Ryan cuts to commercial before getting to the results. It's so annoying.

**Taub:** Seriously. Well, maybe the commercial will be good.

_*plays the "HuddySex" commercial*_

**Wilson:** Wow, that was HOT. I knew it would be if they ever caved into their emotions.

**Foreman:** What can I say, House has game!

**Taub:** Maan, I wish the writers would give me some action like that. The most action I've had all year is telling my wife that I cheated on her.

**Ryan:** AAAANNDDD we're back with the results.

**Edward:** Finally.

**Ryan:** After 50 million votes across the nation…..Lupus, I'm sorry, but your journey ends here.

**Taub:** That's not surprising. Lupus should have been voted off a long time ago. Everyone knows it's never lupus.

**Ryan:** And now for your winner. Congratulations……….SKIN CANCER!!!

_*confetti drops from the ceiling while random FanGirl begins crying in the background*_

**Edward:** Oh my God!

**Ryan:** Taub, Foreman, Wilson, did you think Skin Cancer deserved to win?

**Wilson:** For a second, I thought Vampirism had a chance, but Skin Cancer has worked hard to win. Skin Cancer deserved to win, I guess.

**Foreman:** Skin Cancer, you're like, the best disease for this competition. You've really stolen my heart!

_*Foreman claps his hands over his head, like Paula Abdul does every week*_

**Taub:**Yo, dog, check it. Skin Cancer, you've come a long way in this competition. I think you deserved to win.

**Ryan:** Well, that's the end of this test everyone. Good night, America!

_*Ryan Seacrest leaves*_

**Edward:** Okay, I have skin cancer. How bad is it?

**Foreman:** According to the updated CT scans….the cancer has spread

**Bella:** How far? Is he going to die?

**Wilson:** The cancer is, unfortunately, in Stage 4. The cancer has spread to his brain and liver.

**Edward:** Oh my God.

**Taub:** We've also discovered that you're not actually a vampire.

**Bella:** WHAT?! Edward, you lied to me!

**Edward:** No I didn't! I'm a vampire! Look!

_*points to his non-sharpened teeth*_

**Foreman:** Bella, he really thinks he's a vampire. It's part of the brain cancer—he has visions of grandeur. He's really 18 and he's really human; he just believes he's a 90-year-old vampire.

**Bella:** Well, what do we do now?

**Wilson:** We have to perform surgery immediately. He'll have to get some more contrast scans and more blood work to see exactly what we're working with, but I think we'll be able to get him into the OR tomorrow.

**Edward:** Fine. Then what?

**Taub:** We'll start you on some really disgusting chemotherapy. I'm sorry, but you may lose your luscious locks.

**Bella:** NOOOOOO!

_*Fangirls appear, yet again, and begin sobbing*_

**Fangirls:** NO! NOT THE HAIR! NOT EDWARD'S LUSCIOUS HAIR!!

**Foreman:** SECURITY!!

_*security hauls the FanGirls away from the room*_

**Taub:** We better let you guys rest up. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for everyone.

**Edward:** Fine. Good night, everyone.

**Everyone:** Good night, Edward!

End Scene

_I think I'm getting too spoof-writer for my own good, but it's so much fun! I already have great plans for the next chapter. Guess who's going to be participating in a "Surgeon-Off"? Who will be competing against each other? And will House & Cuddy finally admit their love for one another? Will Ryan Seacrest ever stop being a tool? The answers to these questions (except for the last one) will be answered in the next chapter. Until then, good night!_

_I also have to mention the new HuddySex promo. All I can say is….giggity._

_I watched "American Idol" tonight, as well. I'm prolly the only one (besides my roomie) who thinks Adam Lambert should go & Anoop should have stayed last week. But hey, c'e la vie._


	5. Chapter 5

_I love reviews. I also love "Grey's Anatomy" and whatever other show I may spoof_

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own anything.**

Scene 12

_House is at home, after a long day at the Clinic_

_*House's phone rings*  
__  
_**House:** House's House of Whining. State your complaint!

**Foreman (on his side of the phone):** Just wanted to let you know that the results are in. Stage 4 metastatic melanoma that has spread to the liver and brain. We're got an OR for 10AM tomorrow morning, and I'll try to remove the brain cancer. Wilson and Chase are going to work on the liver and explore for anything we could have missed

**House:** Wait—metastatic melanoma? That's what that Izzie chick has on "Grey's"! Does this mean I'm going to have to call you McDreamy now?

**Foreman:** No, only 13 calls me that. See you tomorrow.

_*House hangs up, and then his doorbell rings*_

**House:** I said to state your complaint Foreman, not stalk me!

**Cuddy:** It's not Foreman, you idiot.

_*House opens his door*_

**House:** What are you doing here?

**Cuddy:** I…uh…wanted to see how your patient was doing. The 18-year old who thinks he's a 90-year-old vampire?

**House:** Right. Foreman just called. Edward has stage 4 metastatic melanoma, and it's spread to his brain and liver.

**Cuddy:** Bummer

**House:** What's a bummer is that you're not telling me the real reason why you're here. You didn't have to come up all the way here to ask about my patient.

**Cuddy:** You're right.

**House:** So why are you here?

**Cuddy:** Because I have to come here in person to your apartment and make all of the viewers think that we're finally going to give into our sexual tension after five seasons and admit that we love each other. That's how television works: one of us goes to the others' house for some lame reason, and they have a deep discussion that leads to their first kiss, which leads to the bedroom.

**House:** But we kissed. Isn't that enough?

**Cuddy:** Of course not. Especially now that we're supposed to have sex_…*checks in her calendar*_ ooh, May 4th at 8PM/7 central.

**House:** Wow, really? That soon? I thought for sure we'd have another season of "will they/won't they" tension.

**Cuddy**: Me too. I just hope it's done right. Most people have waited five years for this.

**House:** Hah, they have no idea how long we've been waiting for it.

**Cuddy:** Well, I gotta run and disappoint everyone who thinks there will be sex in this scene. I have a baby at home, people! The baby isn't going to babysit itself!

**House:** Right. See you Monday!

**Cuddy:** No, I'll be there tomorrow. Wilson is going to try some scheme to make us hook up, and I have to be there for the increasing sexual tension that's supposed to happen tomorrow.

**House:** Interesting that Rational Man's Sidekick is trying to defy the writers. Hmm.

**Cuddy:** Goodbye, House.

**House:** Bye, Cuddy.

_*Cuddy leaves House's apartment, while House turns around and marches off to bed*_

Scene 13: Operating Room

_It's the next day, and Edward is being wheeled into the OR_

**Bella:** Edward, I love you. Don't die!

**Edward:** Um, I'll try not to? Love you, too.

**Foreman:** All right everyone, it's time to go.

_*Bella and Edward kiss as FanGirls watch in disgust*_

**House:** Hey, where are all of these FanGirls coming from?

**Foreman:** They pop up out of nowhere. Hey, you have some FanGirls too!

_*Foreman points at some House FanGirls, who are all walking with flame canes*_

**Taub:** Edward, it's time.

**Edward:** Okay. Let's do this.

_*Wilson, Taub, Foreman, and House march to the OR, where they meet Chase and Cameron at the front doors*_

**Chase:** Are you ready mates?

**Wilson:** Yeah, let's go insi—hey, what the hell?

_*Wilson opens the door to find McDreamy, Meredith Grey, McSteamy, Dr. Bailey, Callie, George, Alex, Christina, McHottie, The Chief, Joe the Bartender, and Dead Denny operating on Izzie*_

**House:** C'mon, really? This is OUR SHOW, not yours!!

**Bailey:** Yeah. What the hell is all of our cast members doing in here? Joe, you're only a bartender, and Denny, you're dead! And this isn't even our hospital!

**Meredith:** Shh, Bailey, you're supposed to be on our side here!

**McDreamy:** I don't know what you're talking about, Foreman. We've been told to come here to operate on Izzie, who also has stage 4 metastatic melanoma that has spread to her brain and liver.

_*Cuddy walks in and sees what's going on. She automatically gives The Chief the evil eye*_

**Foreman:** McDreamy, you need to go. I'M supposed to be the sexy but screwed up neurosurgeon in here, not you.

**Taub:** Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the resident plastic surgeon that no one ever needs, not McSteamy. That's just not even right. I can't compete with him!

**Cuddy:** Hello? I'm supposed to be the boss here, not…THIS GOON! _*points at The Chief, who gives her the finger*_

**McDreamy:** We were here first, and even though our ratings kind of suck right now, we're on ABC, which automatically makes us better.

_*McDreamy does an epic hair flip, which causes the "House" cast to stumble backwards*  
_  
**House:** Oh hellll no. You did not just do the hair flip. Chase, you know what to do

_*Chase does an epic hair flip that sends the cast of "Grey's Anatomy" flying to the other side of the room*_

**The Chief:** There's only one way to settle this—we're going to have to have a surgeon-off.

**Cuddy:** He's right, but I'M going to be the one in charge of it.

**Chief:** No, I am. I'm a BAMF. I had a story arc that revealed my affair with Meredith's mom!

**Cuddy:** No, me. I'm more of a BAMF than you. I've had several arcs that have shown my desire to become a mother while also trying to be an administrator!

**Cameron:** ENOUGH!! I'll be the only judge of this competition, since Izzie is the only other compassionate doctor here, and she's being operated on right now.

_*everyone agrees, since Cameron hasn't had enough on-screen time to be very biased anymore*_

**Wilson:** What are the rules again? I've forgotten since our last surgeon-off back in '04.

**Cameron:** There are only two rules. Number one: no breaking any limbs.

**Taub:** Of course. Then none of us could practice medicine anymore, even though THEY *_points at "Grey's" cast*_ don't do much practicing anymore outside of the bedroom!

**Cameron:** The most important rule: Don't mention the Surgeon-Off. We don't talk about it after it happens.

**Wilson:** Got it. But non-doctors have got to go. Having Denny and Joe here gives them an unfair advantage…

_*everyone agrees with these rules, and Joe the Bartender & Denny leave the room*_

**Cameron:** Okay, doctors. Take your positions.

_*Foreman stands by Edward, who has since been anesthetized and McDreamy stands by Izzie*_

**Cameron:** and….GO!

_*Foreman and McDreamy begin performing their respective brain surgeries side-by-side as Cameron starts a stopwatch; The Chief and Cuddy meet in the open area in-between the two surgeries in progress*_

**The Chief:** Hit the Michael Jackson!

_*The Grey's cast begins doing the Moonwalk, while McDreamy does hairflips in the middle of surgery*_

**Samantha from "Dancing With The Stars":** _*to the camera*_ If you'd like to vote for Team Seattle Grace, text in "DRAMA!" to the "DWTS" number at the bottom of your screen.

**House:** Oh, please. Cuddy can do much better than that.

**Cuddy:** I was hoping I wasn't going to have to do this in heels, but…CRANK DAT SOULJA BOY!

_*The cast of "House" does the Soulja Boy, even House with his cane. Foreman somehow manages to 'raise the roof' while doing Edward's surgery*_

**Taub:** SOULJA BOY UP IN DAT HOE! WATCH ME CRANK AND WATCH ME ROCK

**Wilson:** WATCH ME CRANK DAT SOULJA BOY

**Whole Cast:** AND SUPERMAN DAT HOE!

**Samantha:** If you would like to vote for Team House, text in "HECTOR"

**Meredith:** Guys, we have to do something better if we're gonna win this thing.

**Callie:** Okay, everyone. Get into position.

_*The "Grey's" cast does "Bird Walk"*_

**Bailey:** S-O-U-L-J-A BEEZ

**Christina & McHottie/Army:** BIRD WALK CRIMP MY DAM

**Alex & George:** MAKE IT LOOK EASY

**Taub:** This is lame, and I know lame.

**Chase:** Mates, I know what we can do to win this.

**Cuddy:** _*whispers*_ what are you thinking?

**House:** No…not the "Walk it Out"?

**Chase:** It's our only chance to win this and show our viewers that we're NOT like "Grey's Anatomy".

**Wilson:** _*loosening his tie*_ Fine. Let's do this.

**Taub:** HEY MCSTEAMY! WATCH THIS!

_*The "House" cast begins to do the "Walk it Out"*_

**Cameron:** Okay everyone. Stop what you're doing.

**McDreamy:** Even us? I can't stop my brain surgery. I'm MCDREAMY.

**Cameron:** Not you, you gorgeous idiot.

**Chase:** HEY!

**Cameron:** It's true.

*_Ryan Seacrest barges in the OR. Yes, again. I couldn't keep him away_*

**Ryan:** The results are in, America! Who will win this surgeon-off? Will it be Team Seattle Grace, or Team Princeton-Plainsboro? The results…after this commercial break.

**Everyone:** NOT AGAIN!

**McHottie:** Ryan is sooo annoying when he does that.

**McSteamy:** Right?

_*everyone begins to watch Foreman and McDreamy perform surgery*_

**Foreman:** I'm done! I won!!

**McDreamy:** No fair. Izzie had way more cancer in her brain.

**Foreman:** Edward had just as much. I win.

**McDreamy:** Whatever. At least I have a "Mc-eamy" nickname…and great hair. Heck, I just have hair!

**Foreman:** Well, I'm a better neurosurgeon. Suck on that.

**Ryan:** Aaaand we're back, America! After 100 billion votes, the winner of the Surgeon-Off is…Team House!

**Cuddy:** Damn straight, my team won. I'M NUMBER ONE!

**Wilson:** Let's just get Edward out of here, and then let's celebrate! Ooh, I know, let's get drunk!

**House:** Sounds good to me. But first things first…

_*House pulls Cuddy into a passionate kiss*_

**Cuddy:** Wow. What was that for?

**House:** The main reason is that after a major victory in competition, two characters who have struggled with amazing sexual tension have to kiss. But I'm also tired of being a misanthrope. Just because I walk with a cane doesn't mean I should be totally miserable. I want to be with you, and I want to finally be able to tell you that I love you.

**Everyone (including "Grey's" cast):** FINALLY!

**Wilson:** It's about damn time.

_*a choir comes out, singing "Hallelujah"….Then David Shore bursts into the OR*_

**David Shore:** NO NO NO NO NO!!! IT'S TOO SOON! House is supposed to be miserable forever!

**Cuddy:** Shut up, David. He's finally expressing himself.

_*Cuddy gets out a TV Control, which turns David Shore off*_

**Cuddy:** I love you too, House. I don't want to be this miserable administrator like The Chief…I want to have a healthy & functioning relationship with the love of my life.

**Everyone:** awwhh!

**House:** Now, let's all go get drunk!

**Everyone:** YEAH!!

**Christina:** Hey, hey, wait. What about our patients?

**Taub:** They'll be fine. It's not like you guys practice medicine much anyway.

_*"Grey's" cast nods in agreement*_

**Wilson:** Let's go!

_*House and Cuddy link arms, Chase and Cameron link arms, and everyone leaves the room…except for Edward and Izzie, who are being wheeled out of the room by random nurses seen on both shows*_

End Scene

_Hopefully I can update soon; I have three books I need to read before I take my finals. EEK!_


	6. Chapter 6

_I love reviews…and hate school. Well, I love learning & I love college (and not in the same way as Asher Roth, who prolly didn't even go to college). Finals suck._

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own anything.**

Scene 14

_House's room…in the psych ward!_

_*House's alarm clock rings as House wakes up and is confused..*_

**House:** What the hell? This isn't my room. This isn't my bed.

_*House feels someone next to him in the bed*_

**House:** OMGWTFBBQ!!!

**Burger King:** How you doin'?

**House:** What the hell are you doing in my bed? Where am I?

_*psych security guard comes in*  
_  
**Security:** Hey, hey now Mr. King. What did I tell you about sneaking into other patients' rooms?

_*BK shrugs*_

**Security:** You know what this means, right?

**BK:** NO…. NO! NOT THE BIG MAC! I WON'T EAT IT!

**Security:** Come on, Mr. King. It's time to go.

_*Security walks out, enticing BK with a Whopper*_

**House:** What the hell is going on? It looks like I'm in a psych ward, but what am I doing here? How did I get here?

_*calls Wilson*_

**House:** Wilson, I'm in some room & I just woke up next to the Burger King. What is going on? How did I get here?

**Wilson:** You sound good for someone on roofies.

**House:** Yeah, yeah, just get to it. What am I doing in a psych hospital?

**Wilson:** You and Cuddy declared your undying love for another, so David Shore created a story line that made you hallucinate everything that happened with you two

**House:** Wait, so Cuddy & I DIDN'T have sex on May 4th like we were supposed to?

**Wilson:** Not really. Everyone thought you did, but in last week's season finale, you found out that the sex was a hallucination. What a bummer, dude.

**House:** But…but…WHY? We were making progress, damnit!

**Wilson:** The Hameron shippers were getting pissed off and threatened to stop watching if you guys hooked up for real. The Hilson shippers were upset because if you get a girlfriend, there's no chance with us. Of course, they'd rather have you with Cuddy than with Cameron, but whatever. Then you had everyone else saying that the show was getting to be like "Grey's Anatomy" which is stupid, right?

**House:** Totally. I mean, hello? We still do medical stuff. We don't have nearly as much dramz as "Grey's" or "Private Practice" I mean, god, at least we didn't have a cliffhanger this season finale like both shows did.

**Wilson:** Anyway, I guess they thought that if you two hooked up, then the show would suffer. Especially if Cuddy finally got pregnant after years of trying.

**House:** Man, I bet the Huddy shippers got pissed!

**Wilson:** You have no idea. I guess it's good, though…you & Cuddy can have more unresolved sexual tension.

**House:** What else did I hallucinate? Did we really have a surgeon-off?

**Wilson:** Ohh yeah. Everything else really happened.

**House:** Sweeeeeet. So when can I go home?

**Wilson:** Hm, I really don't know. I guess whenever David Shore decides it's time to let you see Cuddy again.

**House:** This is so gay. I'm gonna go find some crazy chick to diagnose with a rare & terminal disease. Peace.

**Wilson:** Bye!

_*House and Wilson hang up on each other*_

Scene 15: DDX Room

_Foreman, 13 (who has been released from Twilight rehab), Chase, Cameron & Taub are in the DDX room_

**Foreman:** Okay, you guys. House has been put into a psych hospital

**13:** He's in rehab?

**Foreman:** Oh, right, you weren't there. House declared his undying love for Cuddy after our surgeon-off with the cast of "Grey's Anatomy"& David Shore didn't like it, so he wrote the declaration as a hallucination.

**Cameron:** That's unethical! I'm going to tell Cuddy! _*runs out of the room crying*_

**13:** That's really crazy, dude.

**Chase:** Crikey.

**Taub:** Well, what do we do now? We're totally incapable of practicing medicine without House!

**Foreman:** Um…..actually, I kind of, um, hired another doctor to take over while House is "away". He's supposed to be here any minute. Scratch that. Here he comes!

_*Dr. Kumar Patel walks in, carrying an iPod listening to "Cuz I Got High"*_

**Kumar:** Hey, bitches!! Is there a White Castle around here?

**Chase:** Foreman! What the hell? This guy looks JUST like Kutner

**Kumar:** Well you sexy Brit, you look just like NPH! YEAH, UNICORNSSSS!

**13:** Nahh, he looks more like that guy from the "White Castle" movies…you know, the ones where those two guys get stoned all the time?

**Foreman:** So , do you have any questions for us?

**Kumar:** Uh, yeah. Do you have any medicinal marijuana anywhere?

**Chase:** No, mate. Sorry, but the Grey's Anatomy cast took it when the barged in here the other day.

**Taub:** They took our stash?

**13:** Them bastards!

**Kumar:** Well, then that settles it. I quit.

**Foreman:** What the hell? I just hired you yesterday!

**Kumar:** Yeah, but I thought you guys would have had a ton of weed since you let a Vicodin-addicted-hallucinating doctor practice medicine all of the time.

**Foreman:** Look, we're treating a guy who thinks he's a vampire from the Twilight series. It's a really cool case because he actually has skin cancer that's spread to his brain…you want in?

**13:** NO! You're still treating Edward?

**Taub:** Oh, I forgot to tell you that he has cancer. Actually, Ryan Seacrest is the one who told us.

**13:** What? Ryan Seacrest, Edward & Bella were the same room? OH MY GOD!

**Foreman:** I thought you were over your Twilight addiction.

**13:** I lied! I escaped! I hate rehab! I'm SUPPOSED to be screwed up! I'm dying of Huntington's, remember?

**Everyone, including FanGirls & all shippers:** YES, WE KNOW! SHUT UP ALREADY!

**Kumar:** Bisexual? SWEET

**Taub:** I know, right?

**Foreman:** Chase, could you do me a favor & make sure 13 goes back to the rehab center? She's going back a whole lot of steps as we speak.

**Chase:** Crikey, of course!

_*Chase pulls 13 by the hair, out the window, while 13 is singing "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" loudly*_

**Kumar:** Yeah, you know what? A vampire that can send a bisexual chick into rehab is pretty awesome. I'm down with that.

**Foreman:** Great. Let's go meet Edward.

Scene 16: House's hospital room

_House is sitting in his room, bored to tears_

**House:** oh my god, I'm soooooo bored. I wish I could hire a hooker or something. I guess I'll have to watch some TV while I'm waiting on the writers' decision to let me out.

_House begins to watch "Friends" as he drifts off into sleep…._

_First off, I'd like to take the time to express my anger at the writers for the finale. I was SUPER PISSED that the writers gave us those commercials of Hot!HuddySex, and it turns out to be a hallucination. Touché, David Shore, touché. As for the story, you should know that the last scene is actually a two-parter, and I'm in the middle of writing it right now. That's why this chapter is a little shorter than the others. I'm also losing my mojo, but I haven't done any spoof writing in about 2 weeks AND I've been pre-occupied with epic finals. Anyway, I'll hopefully have the rest of the scene up & running tonight. I know the scene is going to take an entire chapter because, well, I think it's going to be REALLY REALLY AWESOME!_


	7. The One Where They're All Friends!

**Nope, don't own anything.**

Previously, on Flightless Nerd:

Scene 16: House's hospital room

_House is sitting in his room, bored to tears_

**House:** oh my god, I'm soooooo bored. I wish I could hire a hooker or something. I guess I'll have to watch some TV while I'm waiting on the writers' decision to let me out.

_House begins to watch "Friends" as he drifts off into sleep…._

_*We see House, Wilson, Chase, Cuddy, Cameron & 13 by a giant water fountain in a park with umbrellas as the Rembrandts "I'll Be There For You" is playing*_

**Credit: Dr. House**—House is walking, using his umbrella as a cane and popping Vicodin

**Credit: Dr. Wilson**—he is chasing after 13, and the two dance like idiots in the water fountain

**Credit: The Australian Guy**—he pulls 13 away from Wilson and begins dancing with her as Wilson finds Cameron and dances with her

**Credit: Dr. Cuddy**—she is trying to find a light pole to dance on, while House watches

**Credit: Dr. Cameron**—she's dancing with Wilson while Chase is giving Wilson the evil-eye

**Credit: Huntington's Chick—**she's seen kissing everyone in the water fountain

**Special Guest Star: VICODIN!!!!!!!!!**

_The song ends with all doctors collapsing on the random couch in the park in their lab coats as "DOCTORS" plays on the screen_

_Title: "The One where they're All Friends, Like on That TV Show"_

_Cameron & Cuddy are seen sitting on the couch at their favorite coffee shop, called Eastern Pick-Me-Up_

**Cuddy:** Oh my god, Cameron. I just had the worst day EVER!

**Cameron:** What happened? Oh no, did you accidentally use your Fancy Guest towels again?

**Cuddy:** Well, I did, but that's not even the worst part of my day!

**Cameron:** What's going on?

**Cuddy:** If I tell you, it has to be a secret.

**Cameron:** Go on!

**Cuddy:** House & I kind of had a thing during Wilson's third wedding in London

**Cameron:** NO WAY! The wedding where he accidentally said "Cameron" instead of "Emily"? How is that a bad thing?

**Cuddy:** It's bad because we haven't stopped doing it yet. It's been going on SINCE the wedding

**Cameron:** Oh my god! You guys have been together for several months now? You guys have kept it secret all this time? That's amazing!

**Cuddy:** I KNOW! But here's the bad part: 13 doesn't know that we're kind of together, and she just asked House out for tonight! He had to say yes because nobody knows about us yet!

**Cameron:** Oh. Well we could come up with a plan to totally turn 13 off of House.

**Cuddy:** You think that would work?

**Cameron:** Oh, definitely! 13 will have no idea what she's up against!

**Cuddy:** Okay, then. Well, I gotta get off to work. Even though it's never really shown on TV, I actually have a job. I can't sit here all day! Bye, Cam!

_*Cuddy leaves, as Cameron stays on the couch. Chase appears and sits next to Cameron*_

**Chase:** Hey. How you doin'?

**Cameron:** Oh, Chase, I don't know what to do!

**Chase:** What's wrong?

**Cameron:** You have to promise not to tell anyone. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm just going to tell you anyway: Cuddy & House have been sleeping together since Wilson's wedding to Emily in London

**Chase:** Oh. Well, I've known for awhile now.

**Cameron:** WHAT?! YOU KNOW?!

**Chase:** Yeah, mate. You see, I was getting a sandwich from my apartment when I heard some kind of noise coming through House's room. I thought maybe 13 had come to her senses and finally moved in with us, so I opened the door. Needless to say, I was blinded…and not in a good way.

**Cameron:** Wow. Cuddy just told me that 13 asked House out for tonight, so we're planning on making it to where 13 is going to HATE House at the end of the night.

**Chase:** NO! I mean, uh, you should try to plan with House to get 13 to stop the date before it even happens. That way, it'll make her look bad!

**Cameron:** That is such a good idea! I need to go talk to Cuddy. I'll see you later!

_*Cameron leaves, and Chase leaves quickly, headed towards 13's apartment*_

---13's apartment---

_*Chase enters 13's apartment, where he sees 13 & Wilson already there*_

**Chase:** Crikey, guys! Cuddy & Cameron are onto our plan!

**13:** NO!! The whole reason I asked House out was to get them back for not telling us about their affair!

**Wilson:** Seriously. Would you even date House?

**13:** No way! I'm actually pretty interested in this guy named Mike. He's so awesome, and he really loves my guitar playing. He actually likes "Stinky Dog"!

**Chase:** Seriously?

**13:** Seriously.

**Wilson:** Okay, so what do we come up with now?

**Chase:** Look, can we not do this? I don't like lying to everyone, and I don't want to be the guy who knows everything! All I want is a meatball sandwich & my recliner!

**13:** Calm down, Aussie. Let's just go through with the plan; we have an advantage because we know that they know—they don't know that we know!

**Wilson:** _*thinks*_ I guess you're right.

**13:** Guys, I gotta go. I have to play at Eastern Pick-Me-Up in about 10 minutes. I'll see you guys later. You guys are still coming, right?

**Wilson:** Of course we'll be there. We wouldn't miss "Stinky Dog" for the world_..*tries not to laugh*_

_*13 heads towards the coffee shop, and walks inside, where she runs into House*_

**13:** Hey, House

**House:** Oh, hey 13. How's it going?

**13:** I'm really excited about our date tonight.

**House:** Right, uh, me too.

**13:** _*stroking House's chest*_ Ooh! Hello, Mr. Pecs!

**House:** Uh, 13, what are you doing?

**13:** I'm just giving you a preview of what's gonna happen tonight. You'll never forget it.

**House:** I gotta go back to the hospital. I'll see you tonight?

**13:** Yeah. _*in a seductive voice*_ Good Bye….lover

**House:** Bye, _trece_!

…_.meanwhile, across town, Cuddy, Cameron are coming up with their game plan in an exam room when House suddenly barges in._

**House:** Oh my gosh you guys. 13 just totally hit on me at the coffee shop! She stoked my chest and told me that she's 'giving me a preview of tonight'. How far is this plan going to go, exactly?

**Cuddy:** As far as 13 lets it go.

**House:** ….but what if she wants to, y'know, stroke "Mr. Pecs" again?

**Cameron:** let her do it.

**Cuddy:** We can't lose to her! We just can't!

**Cameron:** ……oh my God. They know that we know!

**House:** What? How did that happen?

**Cameron:** I ran into Chase after Cuddy left Eastern Pick-Me-Up. I sort of told him about Cuddy, and..

**Cuddy:**…he told you that he already knew about us.

**Cameron:** Yeah. I bet he ran and told 13 & Wilson that we know! This must be a set-up to get you guys to confess!

**House:** Hey, wait a minute. Isn't it just possible that 13 has the hots for me? That she wants to get on my disco stick?

**Cuddy:** _*laughs*_ Oh no, they totally know that we know. They're totally scheming.

**House:** Whatever it is, what am I supposed to do?

**Cuddy:** Just…I don't know, give her some kind of romance. Cook her a nice meal. I don't care. We just need to win this thing.

**House:** Fine. I'm going to leave work a little early to get some stuff from the grocery store, and maybe I'll get her some flowers….to make her think I'm interested.

**Cameron:** good thinking! Ooh, you should give them to her at the coffee shop! She's playing a gig there this afternoon.

**House:** Perfect. You guys should come watch, though. It might get pretty good!

**Cuddy:** Of course.

_*Everyone heads to Eastern Pick-Me-Up, where Cuddy & Cameron see Chase &Wilson and everyone sits and listens to 13's performance. Afterwards, House comes to 13 with a bouquet of flowers*_

**House:** Hey 13. I saw these in the store and thought of you. They're so beautiful, just like you are.

_*Both House & 13 look extremely uncomfortable*_

**13:** Oh wow, thanks House! I can't wait for the sexual intercourse we'll be having this evening.

**House:** It's going to be great. I'm extra bendy, y'know.

**13:** Uh-huh. Well, I guess I'll see you at your apartment, 7PM

**House:** it's a date…lover.

**13**_**:**__ *to herself*_ ohmygosh, he knows that I know that he knows!

_*Team 13 meets at her apartment before the date*_

**Wilson:** Oh man, they know that we know that they know!

**13:** Yeah, but we got this. House isn't going to let things go too far, especially if Cuddy is watching.

**Chase:** Cuddy's not going to be there.

**13:** Seriously? Her boyfriend is going to be on a date with one of her best friends, and you don't think Cuddy's going to spy on us? Who do you think she is?

**Wilson:** She's right, Aussie. We've gotta spy on them,too. Maybe we could put a microphone in her bra or something…

**Chase:** We're just gonna have to speed things up a bit

_*Chase, with a snap of his fingers, unzips 13's front-zippered shirt, exposing her bra*_

**13:** Wow, that's impressive. How did you do that?

**Chase:** It's something they taught us in Hogwarts—I MEAN, AUSTRALIA

**Wilson:** Impressive. You've gotta teach me how to do that sometime.

_Meanwhile, across town (yes, I'm referencing "Sex & The City")…_

**Cuddy:** Okay, House. Don't screw this up. 13 is on her way over here and she's going to put on the moves. I think they know that we know that they know we know. You know?

**Cameron:** OMG, I can't keep this straight anymore!

**House:** Cuddles, I won't screw this up. Just let me turn on my charm and my wit, and I'll have everything under control _*pops 10 Vicodin*_

_*the doorbell rings,even though there are no doorbells in "Friends" & it seems like nobody locks their doors even though they live in New York*_

**House:** _*whispers*_ HIDE!

_Cuddy & Cameron hide in House's & Chase's bathroom_

**House:** Come in, lover

**13:** Hey baby _*kisses House full on the mouth*_

**House:** How you doin'? _("Wow, I shouldn't try to be Chase right now")_

**13:** I'm good now that I'm here with you.

**House:** I cooked some dinner for us.

**13:** I'm not hungry for food. I'm hungry for YOU.

_*13 heads over to the stereo and turns on "Let's Get it On" and dances to it*_

**House:** Um, wow, you're uh..hot?

(_Chase & Wilson, who are listening in the hallway, snicker; Cuddy & Cameron get frustrated)_

**13:** You ready?

**House:** Yes, baby..

_*13 leans in to kiss House, and House lifts his hands up in surrender*_

**House:** OKAY, OKAY, I GIVE UP! I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! 13, I can't be with you. I'm madly in love with Cuddy.

**13:** HAHA! Gotcha! I know about you & Cuddy! I win!

_*everyone enters the apartment from their respective places*_

**Cuddy:** House, you…you love me?

_13, Wilson, Chase & Cameron look at the couple in awe_

**House:** Yes! I've loved you for so long, but I have never been able to tell you! When we finally hooked up, I thought it would be easier to say because it was secret, and then Wilson got divorced from Emily and…I just never knew how or when to tell you.

**Cuddy**_**:**_I love you, too, House!

**13, Cameron, Chase & Wilson:** AWWWHHH!

_*Cuddy & House kiss*_

**Chase:** Let me get this straight…everyone knew that everyone knew about House & Cuddy?

**Cameron:** Yep. Sorry, Aussie.

**Wilson:** Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. One for each of us.

_The audience laughs, and the end credits roll_

_Just in case you couldn't tell.._

_House = Chandler_

_Wilson = Ross_

_ Chase = Joey (I didn't even do that on purpose! Kangaroos are from Australia, and they're known as Joeys!)_

_Cameron = Rachel_

_ Cuddy = Monica_

_and 13 = Phoebe_


	8. Chapter 8

_I love reviews…and SUMMER!! Yay freedom & yay for spoof writing!_

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own anything besides the crazy ideas that come from my brain. Pretty much everything I write is stream-of-consciousness.**

**Disclaimer #2: I love that I've been given suggestions for TV spoofs; unfortunately, if I haven't watched the show (i.e.; "Bones", "Lost", "Prison Break"), I can't spoof it in here. But yeah, if you could give me a situation, maybe I could give it a shot…**

Scene 17

_House's room…in the psych ward!_

_*House wakes up after his crazy Friends dream*_

**House:** Oh, so that's what detoxing off of Vicodin feels like. Hm, okay.

_*Wilson walks into the room*_

**Wilson:** Hey, House.

**House:** Hey Ross—I MEAN, Wilson. Any word on when I get to bust out of here?

**Wilson:** I tried to ask the judges, but they didn't tell me anything I wanted to hear…

_*Wilson's flashback*_

**Wilson:** Look, guys, I just want House to get out. I'm bored! I don't have anyone to talk to at work, I actually have all of my food to eat at lunch, and I WANT MY FRIEND BACK! _*begins to pout like a child*_

**Simon Cowell:** (in a British accent) To be quite honest, I don't think he'll ever get out of the psych ward.

**Randy:** Yo, dawg, check it. I just don't think it's a good idea for him to get out right now. He's just not ready.

**Paula:** You know what? You've inspired me……..*_Paula dozes off*_

**Wilson:** Hey, wait a second…where's that fourth unnecessary judge? Y'know, the one whose name I never bothered to learn?

**Simon:** Kara doesn't exist in this story because she's unnecessary, like you said. All she does is talk and talk and talk. You can't shut her up.

**Wilson:** Right. So, can I have my friend back or not?

_*end flashback*_

**Wilson:** But, in the end, the judges wouldn't agree to let you out. I even offered them some of my macadamia-nut pancakes, but to no avail.

**House:** This is crap, Wilson. This whole thing started because I let my human side show for a minute, and the writers want me to be miserable. Well, I DON'T WANT TO BE MISERABLE!

**Wilson:** What can you do? The writers control our lives!

**House:** Not anymore. I think it's time to call in a special meeting.

**Wilson:** NO! You don't mean—

**House:** Yes. It's time for the first-ever meeting of the TV Characters Union.

**Wilson:** You can't be serious, House! This is dangerous; if the writers find out…

**House:** They won't find out. That's why we created the secret codes, the secret decoder rings, and even the secret sirens. I just can't do it myself since I'm in here. We need a plan.

**Wilson:** What kind of plan are you talking about?

**House:** You're going to call the meeting. The instructions are in my desk on the proper procedure to do that.

**Wilson:** I still remember from the practice drills.

**House:** It's exactly like the drills. Then, we'll have to get me out of here; I AM the President of the TCU. We'll probably have to get those people from Prison Break—I've never watched the show, but they could probably help us. Rumor has it that a couple of people were killed off their series finale, and people were PISSED, dude.

**Wilson:** Gotcha. How soon should we do this?

**House:** As soon as you can sound the secret conch.

**Wilson:** _*pulls out one of those conches* _Of course.

_*Wilson blows on the conch…it sounds, and we see that many TV characters (and only them) can hear it*._

**Michael Scott:** Oh WOW! We're finally going to do it & it's going to be huge! Ahaha, that's what she said.

_*Michael drops his "World's Best Boss" cup, and The Office cast runs toward the door*_

**McDreamy:** _*stops doing hair flips in surgery*_: Oh my Gerard Butler…it's the TCU!

_*McDreamy drops the scalpel, and all of the Grey's cast runs toward the door*_

**Wilson:** Okay, the conch has been sounded, and all members of the TCU will be in South Park, Colorado in 12 hours. Until then, let's try to bust you out of here…

Scene 18

_Edward's hospital room (he's been doing chemo for a couple of weeks now)_

_Edward is running his fingers through his luscious locks (like he does every hour) when he stops, looks horrified, and pulls out a clump of hair._

**Edward:** Oh, no Bella! It's actually happening! I'm losing my luscious locks!

**FanGirls:** NO!! NOT THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS!

**Bella:** AGGGH, damnit! _*throws a bag of chemo at the girls, and they spontaneously burst into flames*_

**Edward:** Bella, I don't think I'm getting any better.

**Bella:** Nonsense, Edward. You haven't coughed up any blood yet, and we've been here awhile. Most people on this show cough up blood within the first 30 minutes. You're not going to die.

**Edward:** I guess you have a point.

_*Foreman & Taub walk in*  
_  
**Edward:** What the hell are you guys doing here? Aren't I just Wilson's patient now?

**Taub:** Hah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU?

**Foreman:** Taub, lay off the steroids. Haven't you seen that movie with Ben Affleck? Do you want to be like Ben Affleck? NO!

**Taub: **Screw you, Foreman. You wanna fight?

**Foreman: **No. Anyway, to answer your question Edward, Wilson is having personal issues. House got put into the psych ward because the writers made him have hallucinations after declaring his love for Cuddy, which he actually never did, and Wilson got put in charge of defying the writers.

**Taub: **Wilson's such a Huddy FanBoy.

**Foreman: **Well, anyway, everyone's headed off to South Park, Colorado for a meeting of the TV Characters' Union. Taub & I will be leaving after this unimportant meeting.

**Bella:** So you guys are going to a fictional town to try to defy YOUR writers, or all writers of the show?

**Foreman: **The TCU kind of like NATO—if one TV show has writers who do stupid things, then all TV show characters come together & fight the powers that be.

**Edward:** Dude, that sounds awesome.

**Taub:** It is. You wanna fight about it?

**Edward:** Uh, dude, I'm on chemo and I could STILL kick your ass. But nah, I don't feel like it today. Maybe tomorrow.

**Foreman:** anyway, we have your new numbers….but first, we need you to pick a briefcase, Edward.

**Edward, Bella & FanGirls:** Huh? Briefcase….?

_*Howie Mandel & his ladies stroll into Edward's room and lay out 5 suitcases for him*_

**Howie:** Welcome to the Cancer edition of Deal or No Deal! Edward, the rules of the game are simple. One of these suitcases has No Cancer in them…the rest have different stages of your disease. You should pick the suitcase you think has No Cancer in it, and the Grim Reaper will give you a deal with a life expectancy. You'll either take the deal, or keep going until you open all of the suitcases. In the end, you can either have CANCER, OR NO CANCER!

**Edward:** Okay, I get it. I'll choose suitcase number 3.

**Howie:** All right. Model number 3, would you please bring me your suitcase?

_*Model Number 7 sits the suitcase by Edward & Howie*_

**Howie:** Do you think this suitcase has NO CANCER in it?

**Edward:** Oh Howie, I certainly do! I feel good about this one!

**Howie:** Now pick another suitcase

**Edward:** I'll choose number 1!

**Howie:** Number One, open the case!

_*the lights dim, and ominous music plays…the suitcase opens, and NO CANCER is displayed*_

**Audience:** AWWHHHH

**Edward:** Oh, come on! That's lame!

**Howie:** I'm sorry, Edward. Let's see what kind of life expectancy the Grim Reaper will give you

_*phone rings in "Another One Bites The Dust" ringtone. Howie picks it up*_

**Howie:** Uh-huh. Ooh, okay. _*hangs up* _Edward…the Grim Reaper has offered you six months to live. Deal, or no deal?

**Audience:** DEAL!! DEAL!!!

**Other audience members:** NO DEAL! NO DEAL!!

**Edward:** Uh…uh…I really don't know.

**Howie:** I understand you have a girlfriend here to help you.

**Edward:** Yeah, my girlfriend Bella has been here for me every step of the way.

**Bella:** Damn straight. Edward, I think you should take the deal. Six months is a good deal.

**Edward:** I don't know….I really don't know. You know what? NO DEAL!!!

**Howie:** Okay then. Pick another briefcase.

**Edward:** I'll choose number 4!

_*the lights dim, and ominous music plays…the briefcase opens, and SIX WEEKS is displayed*_

**Howie:** So, Edward, the briefcase gives you six weeks to live. _*the phone rings again…Howie picks up the phone and promptly hangs up*_ The Grim Reaper says he'll give you seven weeks if you take the deal, but he also said that you can quit this stupid game and take whatever is in the suitcase.

**Edward:** Screw this, dude. Let's just take whatever is in the suitcase.

**Howie:** BRIEFCASE, Edward.

**Edward:** Do I look like I care? Just open the damn thing!

_*opens briefcase number 3, and SEVEN DAYS is displayed*_

**Bella:** Seriously? Only 7 days?

**FanGirls:** _*in a hissing voice, like on "The Ring"*_ SEVEN DAYSSSSSS

**Edward:** Oh, come on. I didn't even watch "The Ring" tape! Awh, man, I should have just taken the deal before. This game sucks.

**PartyPants:** That's why you don't get greedy with that briefcase, y'all.

**Howie:** That's all for tonight, folks. Stay tuned for the Coma-Guy's version of DEAL, OR NO DEAL! Until then, good night!

_End Scene_


	9. Chapter 9, part 1

_I love reviews…and SUMMER!! Too bad I'm still unemployed. In my defense, I had an interview, but they didn't seem to like that I couldn't work nights because of upcoming summer school. Whatevs. I need to add that pretty much anything I add is a stream-of-consciousness thing, so please excuse any grammatical errors or just plain dumb ideas._

_Scene 19: _

_House's room in the psych ward (2:45 AM)_

_Wilson is standing outside of House's room in the psych ward_

**Wilson:** PSSSST!! HOUSE!

**House:** _*waking up & mumbling* _Put your clothes back on,Madonna!

**Wilson**: Huh?

**House:** Sorry, I had a nightmare that I was watching Madonna in concert. What are you doing here?

**Wilson:** I'm busting you out!

**House:** What happened to those Prison Break guys?

**Wilson:** Uhhhh, the author of this spoof didn't watch any Prison Break YouTube videos, so we're not using them. We can totally do our own action sequences anyway! It'll be awesomeeeeee

**House:** _*laughs* _riiiiiiiiight. Cuz I'm so fast and all with my cane.

**Wilson:** Yeah! Look at the bright side; we don't get a chance to be all action-hero-y. We're a drama show, after all.

**House:** Screw it. Let's go for it! But before we do…I have something to tell you

**Wilson:** What? Ohmigod, is it about you & Cuddy? You guys going to have Huddy babies afterall! EEEEEEE *fangirl flail*

**House:** NO! *_huddles in a blanket and whispers*_ I see dead people!

**Wilson:** Damnit, House. Stop giving me false hope. Let's just get you out of here, mmkay?

_*007 music begins to play & House and Wilson are spontaneously changed into tuxedos*_

**Wilson:** No, sorry, not wearing a tux. There's NO WAY I can do action stuff in a tuxedo. I'm James Wilson, not James Bond!

**House:** you're hotter than James Bond, anyway.

**PartyPants:** Yeah, I agree. But finneeee, I'll change your stupid costumes.

_*Techno music begins to play and House & Wilson are spontaneously changed into muscle tanks and cargo pants…and boots. They're also bald*_

**House:** Ugh! No way! I'm not going to be dressed like Vin Diesel or Bruce Willis or something.

**Wilson:** …and I didn't say to change the music!

**PartyPants:** Stop interrupting my story! You'll do what I want you to do, capisce?

_*007 music comes back on, and House & Wilson are wearing the clothes they would normally wear*  
_  
**Wilson:** Much better. Come on, House, let's go!

_*a montage plays out where House is trying to create a ladder only using paper clips & a staple. We then see him put the ladder down—and simply walk out of his first-floor window*_

**House:** Wow, that was a waste of time, wasn't it? Oh well. Let's go to the meeting in South Park!

**Wilson:** Yeah!

_*House and Wilson drive away in his get-away car: the CancerDude-mobile!*_

_Scene 20! : Seven Days Later_

_South Park, Colorado_

_**Our beloved South Park characters can see all members of the TCU arriving in their city**_

**Stan**: Dude! What are all of these people doing in South Park?

**Kyle**: I dunno. Is there a Star Trek convention here or something?

**Kenny:** *mumble mumble mumble mumble*

**Cartman**: ahahahaha! That's what she said!

_*Chef walks up behind the kids*_

**Chef:** Hello, children.

**All:** Hey chef!

**Chef:** What's wrong, children?

**Stan: **We're confused. What the hell is going on here?

**Chef:** Sometimes, children, when you get older, you can be confused about sex…

**Cartman: **Not about sex, Chef! We wanna know why so many people are in South Park today.

**Chef:** Oh, the TV Characters' Union is meeting here today.

**Kyle**: Who are the TV Characters' Union?

**Chef:** Just a group of pissed-off television characters who hate what the writers are doing to their shows or something.

**Cartman:** that sounds gay.

**Big Gay Al:** Did someone say GAY?!

**Chef:** No, Big Gay Al!

**Stan:** so lemme get this straight: a whole bunch of people are coming to South Park because they're pissed off?

**Kyle:** That's not fair. Now we can't get around our quiet little redneck Podunk white trash kick-ass town without these people stepping all over us. We could get killed!

_*Kenny is stomped to death by Barney the Dinosaur*_

**Stan:** Oh my god, they killed Kenny!

**Kyle:** You bastards!

**Cartman:** Screw you guys, I'm going home.

_*Cartman leaves, and Stan, Kyle, and Chef go to the TCU meeting to see what the commotion is all about*_

_Scene 21: South Park, Colorado_

_TCU meeting_

**Announcer:** and now, entering the building—the President of the TCU, !

_*House enters the room from the side to "Fight the Power"; he does the Fight The Power dance, and his FanGirls with flame canes enter the room from the back and walk up to the front*  
_  
**House:** psst, go away! I'm trying to do something productive here

**FanGirl 1:** Do you think he's telling the truth?

**FanGirl 2:** No way. Everybody lies.

**House:** Not today! SECURITY!

_*FanGirls are escorted out by Steve from "Jerry Springer"*_

**House:**Yo yo yiggity yo. *_pulls out some index cards*_ My name is House & I'm addicted to Vicodin

**Everyone:** Hi, House.

**House**: Oops, wrong intro! *_pulls out another group of index cards_* Hello, everyone. I'm Dr. Gregory House from FOX's "House M.D."

**Everyone:** Hi, House.

**House:** Hey, how you doin'? Well, the reason I've all called you into South Park for our first meeting is because I, as well as my fellow docs on "House", feel that a change needs to be made in regards to resolving sexual tension on our shows.

_*everyone begins clapping*_

**House:** It's been a long time coming, but lately, writers have been out of hand in dealing with these issues.

_*Bones/Brennan from "Bones" stands up*_

**Bones/Brennan**: Yeah! What was the deal with hallucinations this season?

**House:** Right? I 'hallucinated' Cuddy & I having sex, and didn't Booth hallucinate sex & pregnancy for the season finale,too?

**Bones/Brennan:** Yep. I finally thought, "wow, the writers want me to be happy after all," just to find out in the last 3 minutes of the season finale that it was all a cruel joke. WHY?! *_runs out crying, and Booth runs after her*_

**House:** It's not just about the stupid hallucinations. Some shows take forever to resolve the sexual tension, and others barely touch on the subject through the entire series! Take "Law & Order, SVU". Benson & Stabler, aren't you sooooo tired of working together and like, not actively resolving your sexual tension?

**Benson:** We're always saving each others' lives while giving each other longing glances….but just when you think we'd get together—BAM! He's back together with his ex-wife.

**Stabler:** It's so unfair. Do you think I wanted that?!

**Benson:** You know what? I just saved Stabler's life by kissing a murderer right in front of him on Tuesday's season finale, and I bet you anything that the writers STILL won't give us any kind of resolution. I bet they don't even mention it ever again.

**House:** and what about Ross & Rachel on "Friends"? They were together, then they broke up when Ross cheated on Rachel…

**Ross:** WE WERE ON A BREAK!

**House:** Riiiight. Anyway, long story short, they had a baby together and didn't even get together until the fracking last episode. "I got off the plane!" wah wah wah. We all knew they were meant for each other, even when they were with other people.

**Rachel:** For real. They even made me kiss Joey! Zero. Chemistry.

**House:** Look, all I'm saying is that it's time that we get together and stop this madness! It's not fair that we can't all be happy. I know I don't want to me a misanthrope anymore, but when I finally tell Cuddy how I feel, and when we're FINALLY supposed to have sex, I end up in a psych ward. It's not right. Our freedom of speech is freedom or death; we've got to fight the powers that be!

**McDreamy**_**:**__ *does hair flip*_ Fight the power!

**Chase:** Fight the powers, mate

**Rachel:** Fight the power!

**Stabler:** Fight the powers that be!

_*everyone begins to stand up and chant the lyrics to "Fight the Power". Canes appear for everyone out of thin air, and everyone begins to dance like House did*_

**Stan:** Dude, this is f****ed up. Let's go home.

_*South Park kids leave, and everyone is still dancing*_

_Meanwhile, across town….._

**Dog:** Hey Beth, we have a new case originating from New Jersey

**Beth:** What's up?

**Dog:** A 49-year-old male from Jersey escaped from his room in the psych ward in Pennsylvania or something with his non-gay best buddy.

**Beth:** Is he a felon?

**Dog:** Kind of. I mean, he wasn't convicted because his boss perjured herself for him, but hell, we're cool enough to be spoofed. We're taking the case.

**Beth:** Sounds cool. Let's go find him. Hope he's not a runner….

_To Be Continued………….._

_So, I'm nearing the end of this spoof, but no worries; I am in the brainstorming stage of creating a sequel spoof! I don't know what the title is, but it'll be a spoof of fanfics that I've read as well as spoofs of different TV shows, music, etc. I have a great idea for the first chapter, too! Hint: a small ditty of "Boats 'n' Hoes" will be seen. That's all I'm telling you._


	10. Chapter 9, part 2

_I love reviews…but not so much this summer! I was having a pretty good time finishing the 3__rd__ Twilight book, and had almost finished this chapter of the spoof when my family got the call that my grandma was in the hospital. She died a few days later. I also had an interview at that time, which my mom insisted I go to, and I guess I didn't even get the job even though I thought I rocked it. So life has sucked a little, but as my high school English teacher said: "this too, shall pass!" Heck yeah! So spoof writing will continue, and perhaps a "House: The Movie" spoof will be in the works as well as the FanFiction spoof. *insert evil laugh here*_

_Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything besides my crazy ideas & the laptop from which I write. At least I own that much!_

_Scene 22_

_Edward's Hospital Room (THE 7__th__ day)_

**Bella: **_*holding Edward's hand* _How are you doing?

**Edward:** Oh, yeah, I feel great! Dying is so AWESOME!

**Bella:** Don't be an ass, Edward. This is hard enough as it is.

**Edward:** LOL! That's what she said! Hey, what are Jacob's FanGirls doing here?

**FanGirls:** _*whispering* _SEVEN DAYSSSSSSS…oh wait…TODAYYYYYY

_*FanGirls begin walking into Edwards room dressed in "Team Jacob" shirts & they number in the hundreds*  
_  
**Bella:** Oh, no. NO! It's not time!

**Random FanGirl:** Uh-huh!

**Bella:** No way, dude. It hasn't been a full 7 days yet

**RF:** Eh, it's been close enough. We're ready to take him now.

**Bella:** Over my dead body, you'll take him.

**RF:** That can be arranged. Girls!

_*all of the FanGirls pull out buckets of holy water and head towards Edward*_

**Bella:** Um, you guys DO know that he's not actually a vampire, right? The cancer that spread to his brain made him hallucinate that he was a vampire…

**FGs: **No…no! HE IS A VAMPIRE, DAMNIT! Jake told us so!

_*Jacob Black walks into the room*_

**Jacob: **Whoa, whoa, don't put this all on me. I wasn't the one to tell you guys to assemble IN EDWARD'S ROOM in the first place

**FGs: **You're just saying that so Bella won't be mad at you for killing Edward.

**Bella: **Whatever. We're leaving. C'mon Edward!

_*Bella puts Edward in a wheelchair and they run away from the FanGirls. They run down the hallway with the Team Jacob Girls following them –insert action sequence soundtrack of your choice here-*_

**Edward:** Bella, meet me in the stairwell

_*Bella leaves*_

**Edward:** look girls, this is ridiculous. Jacob & I are okay now; there's no reason for you girls to get all ballistic & such!

**FGs**: No way! You're dead, Cullen.

_*Edward wheels quickly and suddenly, he wheels on an inclined plane in the hallway near House's office & jumps over several patients through a hoop of fire. He lands perfectly on both wheels*_

**FGs:** Hm, impressive.

**Edward:** You'll never catch….ahhh!

_*Edward, staring at his sparking reflection in the metal of the wheelchair, falls over the 2__nd__ -floor balcony*_

**Cameron:** Oh my god, they killed Edward

**Thirteen:** You bastards!

**Foreman:** Um, don't you think we should like, do doctor stuff? Check his pulse? Give him epi? SOMETHING? And Thirteen, you're supposed to be in rehab.

**Thirteen:** Screw you, Foreman. I'm sober! I'm Twilight-free! YAYYYY!

_*Thirteen runs outside and goes in circles until she faints from being so dizzy. No one helps her*_

**Taub:** Time of death, 2:30 PM

**Bella:** OH MY GOD! Edward!

**Bella's Flashback**

*cue "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" from Iron & Wine*

_-We see images of Bella & Edward holding hands while skipping through their special forest…Bella then trips & falls, breaking her leg-_

_-Bella & Edward walking on the beach hand-in-hand, with Edward scared of the water while Bella goes out and nearly drowns-_

_-Bella & Edward riding a horse into the sunset; Bella falls off the horse, breaking her arm-_

_-Bella in a body cast after breaking all of her bones in an unfortunate FanGirl accident-_

**End Bella's Flashback**

**Bella: **NO! NO! NO! NO! _*crouches down to Edward and bangs on his chest*_ C'mon Edward, you have to wake up!

**Edward:** Peace, homies.

_*Edward dies…for real this time*_

**Bella:** _*does the epic NOOOOOOOOOO! and keeps banging on Edward's chest*_

**Chase: **Give me a sedative, mate. A big one.

_*Taub hands Chase a needle, and inserts it into Bella's arm…she falls asleep on top of Edward*_

**Distant voices**:……Bella. Bella! Wake up! Hey, she's coming out of it, mate!

_Scene 23: TCU Convention_

_The convention continues as everyone is dancing to "Fight the Power"_

**House:** Oh god, I really need a drink

_*House exits the conference room while everyone keeps dancing. He heads to the bar, where he sees a special person drinking a margarita*  
_  
**Cuddy:** House? What are you doing out here? Aren't you supposed to be making TV history by organizing television's largest coup?

**House:** Ah, well, everyone must have gotten a little tipsy before the meeting because they're all dancing to that "Fight the Power" song

**Cuddy:** You started it, didn't you?

**House:** GUILTYYYYY! But I'm glad I did because it gave me a chance to sneak out. I didn't see you in there, and figured you'd be here, and I wanted to ask you out to dinner tonight.

**Cuddy:** Seriously?

**House:** Yeah. Like I said before, I'm tired of being a misanthrope who's addicted to Vicodin and wants to be miserable. I don't want to be miserable. I want to be with you and *_looks at a group of Hamerons* __**NOT WITH CAMERON**_

**Huddy Fangirls**: AWWWHHH

**Hameron Fangirls:** NOOOOOO!!! Cameron and House are supposed to be together foreverrrr!

**Huddies:** Not gonna happen.

**Hamerons:** This. IS. SPARTAAAA!

**Huddies:** Just shut up & stop being sore losers. We want to watch what happens

**Cuddy:** Wow, House. That's beautiful. Of course I'll go to dinner with you tonight.

**Huddies:** YAY!! –fangirl flail-

**Hamerons:** zomgwtf? Damnit.

**House:** Great. I'll stop by your hotel room at eight.

**Cuddy:** Sounds great. Right now, though, we should get back to the convention before McDreamy stops singing. You know once he stops…

**House:** Yeah, yeah. I know he pretty much controls all girls now and blah blah blah.

**Cuddy:** Awh, you're so cute when you're jealous

_*House & Cuddy lean in to kiss each other when…..*_

**Dog:** EXCUSE ME!!

_*everyone moves from the conference room to the bar where House & Cuddy are*_

**Beth:** Dr. House, you need to come with me.

**House:** Uh, I'm not Doctor House. You see the guy with the suit and tie that keeps cracking "That's What She Said!" jokes? _*points to Michael Scott*_ _**HE'S**_ Dr. House.

**Dog:** Dude we have a picture of you right here

_*Dog pulls out a picture of House in a cheerleader's uniform*_

**House:** Awh, damnit.

**Beth:** We know you're the one who escaped from the psych ward, and we're here to take you back.

**Huddies:** Not if we can help it!

_*Huddy fangirls AND fanboys pull out bazookas and shoot Beth & Dog (and all of their posse). McDreamy & the Grey's cast come around and try to save them*_

**Bailey:** Hand me a scalpel, now!

_*Meredith hands Bailey a chainsaw and starts it up*_

**Bailey:** NONONO! I need a SCALPEL!

**Meredith:** I'm sorry, but I've spent so much time with my McDreamy will-they-won't-they sexual tension story arc thing that I've completely forgotten how to practice medicine.

**Bailey:** Has everyone forgotten how to practice medicine? Who else can do this surgery? _*no one raises their hands*_ Oh my god, fine, I'll do it! _*gets to Beth & Dog*_ Oh man, I can't do it either! I've spent so much time with my own story arc that I can't do it either.

**Christina:** House, can you save them?

**House:** I could, but then I'd have to go back to the loony bin for hallucinations I didn't have. Basically, HELL NO!

**Christina:** What about "ER"? Can they save him? Where is Dr. Carter? I need him….STAT!

**House:** Didn't you see the series finale? Look, ER is done. They're done and they're never coming back.

**Christina:** Did they get cancelled?

**House: **I don't think so. I think the writers just decided to end it after fifteen seasons. I hope we get that many.

**Meredith:** Wow, that sucks. I had no idea. Fifteen years, though, that's great_…..*trails off*_

_*The House cast cheers while Grey's cast sulks and goes back into the conference room. Beth & Dog disappear because they're dead and no longer have any purpose in this story. Wilson appears out of thin air*_

**Wilson:** You know what this means, right?

**House:** That HuddySex is FINALLY going to happen?

**Cuddy:** YEAH! But you also defied the writers and got away with it!

**Wilson:** Suck on those eggs, David Shore!

**Huddies:** I love you, Wilson.

_*Wilson & Huddygirls go away together*  
_  
**House:** I'll walk you to your hotel room

**Cuddy:** Okay.

_*House & Cuddy walk away*_

Scene 24: Cuddy's hotel room

_Cuddy and House are at her door_

**House:** Sooo…this is your hotel room.

**Cuddy:** Yepppp.

_*awkward silence*_

**House:** You look like an Afghani prostitute in that shirt.

**Cuddy:** You sure know how to give a girl a compliment

_*more awkward silence….then Dawn Landes' "Drive" plays*_

**Cuddy:** You want to kiss me, don't you?

**House:** I always want to kiss you.

_*They kiss and enter the hotel room*_

**Wilson & Fangirls (snooping in the hallway):** YESSSSSS!

End Scene

_Only one chapter to go, I think! Yay!_

_Just a random note: I can't believe Michael Jackson died!!! He died the same day as my grandma, too. I'm just shocked. I was never a super-fan, because he was popular mainly in the mid-eighties (I was born in 1989, fyi) but still.I loved the song that was on "Free Willy". That WAS him, right? Anyway, wow. Him, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon & the OxyClean guy in one. Wow._


	11. The END!

_Having no reviews makes me a saaaaad panda. LOL just kidding; hopefully I can end this spoof on a…well, spoofy note. But in order to get to the spoofy-ish part, you have to read the beginning. There's a twist! Yay!_

_Thanks, gracias, grazie, etc. to everyone who has read the spoof, to those who have taken the time to review, etc It's funny to think how this started as a way to keep my roomie & I sane (and awake) while studying for the end of the semester and turned into something really cool to do. Too bad she's also home for the summer…..282 miles away from my house! But it's all good because we'll be reunited next month into our new APARTMENT (goodbye, dorm living!) and will probably have a little bit of time to create some more evil genius ideas before the semester really gets starting._

_Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything besides my crazy ideas & the laptop from which I write. At least I own that much!_

Scene 25: Bella's Hospital Room

_Bella is lying in a hospital bed & waking up when Drs. Chase & Taub walk into her room_

**Bella:** Chase, Taub, please tell me the truth…..did Edward die?

_*Bella begins sobbing*_

**Chase:** Um, mate, who is Edward?

**Bella:** What do you mean "who is Edward?" He's my boyfriend, you dumbass!

**Taub**: We have no clue who you're talking about

**Bella:** Hello? He hallucinated that he was a vampire & it turned out he had skin cancer that spread to his brain? Just like the chick from "Grey's Anatomy"? He was told that he had seven days to live by Howie Mandel? I've been here since he was admitted.

_*Foreman walks in for no apparent reason*_

**Foreman: **Bella, do you know how long you have been here?

**Bella:** I lost track of time, but I've been here with Edward since he fainted in our special forest and then he fell off the 2nd floor balcony after running away from some of Jacob's FanGirls or something. Then, thinking he was dead, I had a flashback about all of our special moments that didn't happen in the book but definitely was appropriate for this spoof, and then you guys gave me a sedative.

**Taub:** Bella, you've been in here for a couple of weeks alright…

**Chase:** …but you've been a PATIENT, not a visitor.

**Bella: **No, I haven't. Remember, you guys had a surgeon-off with the doctors from Seattle Grace when Edward & Izzie were having surgery!!

**Foreman: **We DID have a surgeon off, but YOU were the patient.

**Bella:** No, I wasn't! I saw you guys do like, Soulja Boy or something.

**Chase: ***_to Foreman_* What the heck is going on with her, mate?

**Foreman: **_*shrugs*_ IDK, Jill. Let's ask House!

_*House walks in with a fanfare*_

**House: **Did someone say "House"?

**Foreman:** Bella thinks she's been a visitor to her boyfriend Edward, who she thought had skin cancer that spread to his brain.

**House: ***_epic sigh, then turns to Bella*_ You've been hallucinating because YOU have skin cancer that spread to your brain. Edward doesn't exist. All of the symptoms Edward had were actually your symptoms

**Bella:** ¿Qué?

**House:** _*another epic sigh*_ Charlie was the one who brought you in after you collapsed at school. You were nearly hit by another idiot driver in the parking lot when you passed out

_*Flashback 1: Bella is at her truck when Tyler Crowley's van swerves as he hits a patch of ice, but he doesn't hit Bella. She passes out*_

**House: **After doing a multitude of tests and examinations, we discovered a mole that was cancerous. According to your medical history, you lived in Arizona for the majority of your life, so it made sense. We operated on you and removed the majority of the cancer cells from your brain, but still, you needed chemo

**Bella:** So if this is true, did the surgeon-off still happen?

**Taub:** Fo' shizzle

_*Flashback 2: instead of Edward on the operating table next to Izzie, we see Bella. McDreamy does his hair flip*_

**Bella:** What about everything else? Did you REALLY hook up with Cuddy?

**House:** See for yourself. Oh, mistress!!

_*Cuddy walks in*_

**Cuddy:** I swear, if you call me mistress ONE MORE TIME…

**House:** She loves me.

**Cuddy:** I do :)

**Bella:** Was there really a TCU convention?

**Cuddy:** Yeah! That's when House and I finally caved into our sexual tension and had some Hot!HuddySex……sex that wasn't hallucinated by the writers that totally needs to happen next season for realz. _*thinking*_ OMG, it wasn't a hallucination, right?

**House:** _*thinks about it*_ I don't think so.

**Cuddy:** How do you know?!

**House:** Cuz you're preggers!

_*dun dun dun*_

**Chase:** Huh?

**Taub:** whoa, Chase didn't say 'crikey' or 'mate'!

**Cuddy:** I'm not pregnant, you moron. Cameron is.

_*dun dun dun*_

**Chase:** Whaaaa?!

**Cameron:** Yeah, but it might be the janitor's baby.

_*dun dun dun*_

**Cameron:** Just kidding.

_*dun dun dun*_

**Cuddy:** ¡omg, es posible que esté embarazada! Me gusta la idea; si fuera una madre, estaría muy feliz…

_*dun dun dun*_

**Wilson**: ENOUGH!!! And speak in English, please…

**House:** Whoa, when did you get here?

**Wilson:** IDK, but I'm just cool enough to appear out of thin air.

**Foreman:** Sweet.

**Wilson:** Look, can we pleaseeee just end this spoof already? I wanna go on a boat already for the sequel! _*pouts*_

**House:** Fine. Bella, you'll be fine since you woke up. So will Izzie, since George totally died on "Grey's Anatomy"

**Bella:** Seriously? That's great! Oh, well, not that George died…but okay. Um, what do I do now?

**Cameron:** Get yourself healthy and get to living life again.

**Cuddy:** DUH! Gosh, you're really an idiot sometimes. _*to House*_ Why did you hire her again?

**House**: 'Cuz she's got pretty hair.

**Wilson:** Whatever. I'm outtie. Before I go, I just want to remind everyone to meet up in the DDX room tomorrow for the board meeting.

**Chase:** Thanks, mate.

**Cuddy:** Thanks for the reminder, Wilson. For now, let's all go to the clinic! Yay!

_*everyone groans and begins to turn away when…..*_

**Juno:** WHOA, dream big! You forgot to do a little somethinizzle up in the hizzouse.

**House:** Oh my gosh, I totally forgot! Ending credits!!!!!

_*Wilson finds himself in the clinic area dressed as Posh Spice, Chase as Baby Spice, House as Ginger Spice, Taub as Sporty Spice & Foreman as Scary Spice*_

**Foreman: **_**(dressed in a green tank top, army pants, and a Scary Spice afro)**_**:** I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

**House: **_**(dressed in red leather pants, heels, a red wig & a tan sparkly top**_**):** So tell me what you want, what you really really want

**Foreman Spice:** I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

**House Spice:** So tell me what you want, what you really really want

**Foreman Spice:** I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

**Taub **_**(dressed in an orange shirt & blue jogging pants):**_ If you want my future forget my past

**Chase **_**(dressed in a white baby dress with his hair in pigtails):**_ If you wanna get with me better make it fast

**Foreman Spice:** Now don't go wasting my precious time

**House Spice**: Get your act together we could be just fine

**Foreman Spice:** I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

**House Spice:** So tell me what you want, what you really really want

**Foreman Spice:** I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

_*all begin dancing, including Wilson, dressed in a little Gucci dress and heels*  
_**All:** If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends  
Make it last forever friendship never ends  
If you wanna be my lover you have got to give  
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

**Taub Spice**: What do you think about that now you know how I feel

**Chase Spice:** Say you can handle my love are you for real

**Foreman Spice:** I won't be hasty, I'll give you a try

**House Spice:** If you really bug me then I'll say goodbye.

**Foreman Spice:** Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

**House Spice:** So tell me what you want, what you really really want

**Foreman Spice:**I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

_*All begin dancing again…and Taub does a flip down the hallway*_

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,  
Make it last forever friendship never ends,  
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,  
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

**Foreman Spice**: So here's a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully, We got Chase in the place who likes it in your face, we got H like CT who likes it on an Easy Wee doesn't come for free, he's a real lady, and as for me..ah you'll see, Slam your body down and wind it all around Slam your body down and wind it all around.

**All: **If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends  
Make it last forever friendship never ends,  
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give  
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

**Foreman Spice: **If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta,you gotta, you gotta, slam, slam, slam, slam

**All: **Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down and wind it all around  
Slam your body down and wind it all around  
Slam your body down zigazig ah  
If you wanna be my lover.

_*all end panting and waving*_

**Wilson Spice: **and we all lived happily ever after!

_**The End.**_


End file.
